My Migraine Madness

My Migraine Madness

“I remember when your head caught flame…”

– “Buzzcut Season” by Lorde

migraine pic edited

This is not a pretty picture – quite literally. But it is an honest one; perhaps the most honest one I have ever shared. It was taken after one of three infusions my neurologist ordered for me to have done, not at my regular infusion center, but at the hospital. It was every bit as fun as it looks.

This was after the first infusion, to be specific; after the second two even looking at my phone was out of the question.  I have no idea how long I went without looking at my phone. All of the days ran together. All I remember was pain. I experienced some of the most intense migraines I have ever had. I fell behind in my summer class (because it’s a bit difficult to work on your school work when you’re in this state, and even harder when the class is online). I only wore pajamas. Getting out of bed was an achievement, and being able to watch TV was exciting. A whole movie? I was living.

There is no way to truly explain what it is like to have a migraine every single day for at least a month (maybe more; like I said, I lost track of time). It’s happened to me before, but it hasn’t been this painful. I was begging for my neurologist to admit me to the hospital. But he is the best in the area for a reason. The treatment that I would be admitted to the hospital for was not exactly standard…it had some extreme potential side effects, side effects that would terrify me if I was in a normal mental state. Going to the emergency room was out of the question for me. Even when I was in tears from pain, even when I was asking my father for another priesthood blessing, I would not go sit in a lobby for three hours, only to be taken to a little curtained-off corner, given pain medicine that would no doubt make me ill, and be sent on my not-so-merry way.

The second and third infusions were my last option. It was the same infusion, administered over two days, and it was a medicine I had never been given before. It made me feel awful (apparently it could get worse). But it worked. Slowly. Maybe.

It still hurts some. Maybe it always will.

The only thing I can trace this horrific cycle to is a  new medicine I had just started. Its name began with the letter “p.” I will tell anyone who will listen that the “p” stands for poison.

This is where I’ve disappeared to. This is why I couldn’t celebrate the Fourth of July (and Captain America’s 100th birthday, of course), one of my favorite holidays. This is why when family came to visit I couldn’t see them. This is why I couldn’t even email my professor; my mom had to do it.

the birds

{ Image via Buzzfeed }

I’m a big fan of Alfred Hitchcock. The first movie of his that I ever watched (which remains my favorite to this day) was The Birds. No, it is not scary. The “special effects” are so basic that they are not even worthy of that term. But there is one scene towards the end when they are trying to escape – you guessed it – the birds after Tippi Hedren’s character has just been attacked by them. When she steps outside and sees them all around, she hysterically half-yells, “No, no, NO.” Perhaps I am Tippi Hedren now. Maybe whenever I feel a twinge in my forehead, I will see the birds. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s just the way it is, and I have accepted it.

Who knows? Alfred isn’t here anymore, although he certainly could’ve written my horror story.

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